We ask that question a lot, but we don’t always mean those words. Sometimes what we’re actually saying is:

• “Please find a way to agree with me on this.”
• “I would like you to affirm and praise the decision I’ve already made.”
• “Your opinion is irrelevant and the outcome is effectively in motion, but you’re welcome to weigh in as a courtesy.”
• “You can disagree, but I will take every contrary opinion as a personal attack on my character and self-worth.”

I’ve used “what do you think?” in all those ways, though I’m not proud of it. Because the way we ought to use “what do you think?” is to mean exactly what it says on the tin:

“What you think matters to me and I’m open to feedback.”

A world in which everyone thinks exactly what we’d like them to think is a world in which the thoughts of others are essentially meaningless. In that world, we’re not asking for the thoughts of others, but for a rubber stamp of approval on our own.

What a privilege it is to be able to ask others how something looks from where they’re standing and to receive a description from a perspective that is not our own.

It doesn’t mean that perspective is automatically right, or that it should override our own, or that we are contractually and morally obligated to act on what we hear. It doesn’t even mean we have to find common ground with that perspective. It just means we’d like to know what it is.

Still, it’s not easy to do. It’s not easy to open ourselves up to disagreement or conflicting opinions. But it’s a valuable question to ask people (the right people), and even more valuable to mean it when we ask.

Once people realize you don’t care what they think, they’ll stop making any real effort to tell you what they think, no matter what words you use.

“What do you think?” is a beautiful opportunity to see from another set of eyes. We shouldn’t use it unless we’re actually interested in looking.

What do you think?